To you, from your Thumper.

FELICIA - A VERY 'wise' person that you have also held a big spot in his life recently told me "FEL LEFT YOU HER STRENGTH"

That very night my entire life flashed right before my eyes and I realized I am not the person that I used to be, nor am I the person that I want to be! I think about my past, everything that I have been through.. It truely HOLDS ME BACK.. Now I see, I really realize that you are testing me.. the test of life, strength.. You are throwing so much @ me.. when you died I felt like nothing mattered, life sucked, it's the worse thing that could happen.. Now I see it all so clearly, thanks to those words that were spoken to me.. You are giving me the test of life, strength & you are doing it all because you know I can get through it.. You know I will accomplish it.. You do it all @ once because you know I need to see that I can get through it, therefore I will realize that I can accomplish anything in life, and be/do whatever I want to do.. but it is going to all be up to me.. You KNOW I will never give up, the strength you give me will never allow me to do that.. Once I have realized that, I now have my life planned out.. How things are going to be, how I want things to be.. Maybe how you plan them out to be? sometimes I believe YOU are LIVING through ME...

I had a bad relationship with my family @ the time.. YOU were my rock!! You were the one that got me through everything that I was going through!!! You wanted me to stay in school, even through everything I was dealing with because you would tell me... "times are rough, but your education is going to help you SO much in life" (You never finished but you wished you did.. and though you didnt I KNOW you encouraged me to stay because you wanted so much more in life for me than to be a drop out).. You were the only person who REALLY understood me... You felt me out 100% & if you really didn't.. you still made me believe that you did.. I believe you really did though, because like me.. you have been through a crazy life, a lot of the same shit as me too.. so I know you had to forreal totally feel me out... You were the TRUEST female that I had ever met.. You were only like 17? I was reallly young, and you treated me as if I were your child.. no scratch that.. sister.. no not even!! ... BESTFRIEND <3 bestfriend has so much more meaning than being really related, because anybody can be related.. it means SO much more when you are a BESTFRIEND... It is hard to find a TRUE friend now a days.. I think A LOT of people can stand by me when I say you really were the definition of a TRUE FRIEND! I don't know of a single person who hated you, and the ones that did.. it is because they ENVIED you!

Do you remember all of our crazy ass times? A few things I wanna point out is how "cool" I thought I was to be kicking it with the coolest teenager, that everyone LOVED.. late nights, driving around.. doing things that a " 12/13 year old" certainly shouldn't be doing.. and I know my children WILL NOT be doing.. .. but learning how to really live life, because nobody else "really" taught me... You made me grow up really fast, but it was for the GOOD.. You taught me how to take care of myself, get my emotions all back together, the right way to act, & the things I should + shouldnt do even if some of the bad you were doing with me! Remember when I ran away, & "JayT" (what he was known as at the moment, in his better years now he is just james!) & you were DEVISTATED!! WITH BOTH OF US!! Him, because I was so young, and he helped me "mess up" and me because after all you've taught me, I went ahead and did it anyway.. Please remember, before you didn't try to hear it but really because of you he and I have become so close brother&sister and REALLY he did it because He felt my pain, he wanted to help me try to escape it, he was in the same state of mind of "getting away from the life they were stuck in" too... He needed to ecape his girl! I needed to escape this new life that was literally THROWN at me.. unexpectedly...... Anyway, you forgave me, you forgave EVERY stupid move I would do, to you they weren't nessesarly "stupid" .. I was meerly only learning from my own mistakes.. You definitely allowed me to do that.. may I add you STILL DO! =) .. I really cannot sit here & type out every memory that I have hadwith you, because I would be here FOREVER.. I would have to explain every single day, week, month, years, minutes, & hrs with you because EVERY second of the day with you.. Every second was a moment that I could NEVER forget, I will always cherish.. Those are moments that I wouldn't be able to replace now if they didn't happen - So happy that I was able to share them with you !!

I can never forget the last time that I spoke to you.. You were excited about this new "boy/man" that you were with.. You told me you were going out with them the next night but you would come home right after! and send me pictures of him, and you as well.. & that within the next week or so you were coming to DE to vist.... you know that night I LITERALLY stayed up ALL NIGHt LONG? I did.. Because when you had to move because of the fights with your uncles girlfriend, we barely spoke... I stayed up all night waiting for you, and I was estatic that you were going to be on to talk to me since we never really did, and that I was going to see new pictures of you too - and how more and more amazing you were looking and feeling about yourself.. not just that but the new "guy" that made you happy... I was always so interested in your life, you were always my role model... I always wanted to be JUST AS STRONG AS YOU & get through life knowing that today might be a shithole but, tomorrow you know will be better - because that's how you're going to make it be!..

THE NEWS - Was something that I never expected - Or in my life would want to hear.. After waiting up for you ALL night long..THAT NIGHT your screenname finally signed on.. I IM you freaking about "well i am glad you're ok because I have been waiting all night WORRIED my gut feeling has been telling me something is wrong.. but you're on now so my gut feelin is what was wrong.. well that was wrong too.. ALL I HAD TO HEAR WAS "Stacy this is Charolette" and I knew from those very words that the rest of my life was DEFINITELY not going to be any longer the same.. She told me, you passed.. Honestly? I thought it was you bullshitting me.. You have done that a few times.. maybe to see who really cared if you were gone? I had to keep saying No she didn't.. I jus talked to her.. Your mother made me believe it, after awhile if it was you.. You would have told me the truth.. I was speechless.. I had NO Idea what to say, besides the fact that I wanted to know EVERY DETAIL on what happened.. I wanted her to leave NOTHING out - I needed to know every detail, remember every detail about the horrible day that I have ever had, even if it is things you don't wanna remember - I needed to remember that.. If that makes sense? Even if it doesn't - I am sure you understand, because you always understood my nonmaking sense mind.. Before I was never really "against" drinking and driving because I was young and really had no idea on how dangerous it TRUELY WAS!.. Since the devil named alcohol has taken you, I rather not even speak to somebody who makes the choice to drink and then drive.. Or get in a car with someone who is doing so! It takes precious lifes... Ones who really need to be here, ones that make differences on people, ones that have the biggest hearts.. We really need people like that in this world.. If there was more, this world would probably be a better place! I know it was your decision to get in the car, everything happens for a reason.. but why does HE get to live? I mean, did god take YOU because he in reality was PROTECTING you from these type of people? did god take HIM because now he has to live the rest of his life with the guilt of the actions that he made but could have been differently? Is that what is REALLY is all about? Leaving the bad people here to suffer, the amazing people, up there.. where it's safe?

Speaking of him taking the good people.. My twins... I know HE didn't take them.. I do believe you did though, I cannot blame you.. As sad it is to say.. Because maybe you wanted a part of me there? With you? I mean You gave me my daughter.. I do believe that, because whenever I look at her.. You are ALL I SEE!.. I knew before I even had her I picked her middle name Felicia.. found out that she, was a SHE 2 days before your birthday.. WOULD HAVE BEEN on your birthday IF your birthday didnt land on a weekend that year .. then I deliver her ONE WEEK before your death date? She is so much like you too, SO SO beyond stubborn, but at the same time one of the most amazing person I know... So You give me a piece of you, Take a piece of me? I do believe it.. Atleast I do know, you are up there taking care of my sons.. I am confident in that, and I am happy for YOU most of all as weird as it sounds .. because You never got to live your life .. You were taken so young, when your life and future really begins.. when you were starting your future for yourself.. You didn't get to have kids, & I wouldn't expect for my kids to be in better hands other than my mother, with anybody BUT YOU! I think maybe that is what gets me through everyday knowing their gone.. is that they may be gone, but they are with the person that I had trusted my life with..

DREAMING - The way you have been able to communicate with me, and let me know about me, you, my future through my dreams in my past has seriously been FRIGHTENING, terrifying, but at the same time amazing.. One dream.. I was talking to you on the phone.. Nobody believed me.. & I could not convince them neither.. But I would keep running around happier than I have ever been.. even at the age of 5 @ christmas time.. this happiness didn't even COMPARE!! Then I said.. I swear, IT IS HER!! She keeps saying "Stacy, go back to school please, get your diploma, do in life that I did not do, and didn't even have the chance to do.. do it please" You would say it over and over & the last time you had said it while I was telling everybody about it I leaned back and glass shattered EVERYWHRE and I then woke up SCREAMING.. i COULD NOT TALK TO ANYBODY FOR DAYS.. or explain to anybody what was wrong.. Because it was the worse feeling EVER.. I felt like I disappointed you, by even dropped out knowing it was you truely wanted me to keep in my life, it was my future. I promise you, one day before my time is up - I am going to get my diploma, it will not just be for YOU but it will be for me.. and my future.. I know it's what you would want!

DREAMING 2 - The most horrible, but amazing dream that I could EVER have.. Was when I dreamed about being in the same car @ the same very moment.. It was like a replay of how you died, and what happened to you.. You were talking, but it was like you were on mute, you were a ghost, I was the one in your place in the car.. I understood every word you were telling me, even with you "muted".. Telling me the details about what happened.. & The next thing I know in my dream I was standing over a body.. It was you, in my dream.. It was like you really came to me in my dream... To show ME what exactly happened.. Because mentally IT ALL FELT LIKE A DREAM & that any minute in real life you were going to be on the other end of the phone.. That dream made me REALIZE ITS ALL REAL.. Most heartbreaking dream that I have had, was seeing the view I guess of what happened in my dream, that felt too real to be just a dream.. Were you really coming to me in my dream to tell me or show me rather, what really happened?


Are you really living through me? Are you really making me feel the emotions you have always felt, maybe not the same situations but the feelings you have felt.. That has made you that strong? Are you putting me through this test of strength, life.. To let me know HOW you became the amazing strong woman you were? If this is the case, I sincerely thank you.. Because everything in life is becoming so much more clear lately..

One thing that erks me... I know "everyone loved Fel" I do, how could they NOT? .. But as the years go by I wish people would still let it be known you were an amazing person.. You were one of the best woman on earth.. Or maybe Iam parcial? Because you were the biggest role model in my life? Well, Why does it seem like people just let your memory fade.. Like they forgot about who Fel was? I don't know, maybe I shouldn't go on assuming how people feel - I know everybody loved/loves you.. I just wish that people would still show it, just as they did when you were here, and right after you left.. Like I said it is really hard to find a true friend, you were the definition of a true friend, and everyone should remember that we may not have anybody to trust in ths world but we once did have somebody walk ths earth that EVERYBODY could count on.. Her name was Felicia, and if I have to keep your memory alive by myself.. I will.. I will NEVER let a sole, forget who Felicia Jean Hetzler was !

I feel as if I had to get this all out to you, which more will more than likely definitely be updated to this too because I do have so much more to say to you.. but it needed to be all in a letter to you, so I can stop dwelling on you being gone, but "live for you".. I am going to do the things, go the places, meet the people, live the life that you NEVER got to live.. Because you lived too short of a life.. Though you did, you made it the best you could.. I promise you Felicia, from this day forward I will not kill myself over the fact that you are not walking earth right now, because you are still here.. but live it for you, live it not just for you but live it for ME!! I KNOW that would make you happy.. I know you always felt people should be who they are, do what makes them happy and you shouldn't not do something if it is going to make you happy you should go for it.. You live only once, make it the fullest... Set your standards HIGH.. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES settle for any less than what YOU think that YOU deserve.. because if you think you, and your life deserve to be a piece of nothing, that is exactly what you are going to get.. If you want to be a princess in a castle.. hey crazier things have happened =) lol

Lots of stuff I am sure is mispelled, or probably makes NO sense.. but I just typed as my mind was letting my thoughts and emotions out.. It's what I am feeling, that is the thing that matters..

FELICIA JEAN HETZLER I LOVE YOU ~ YOUR MEMORY WILL LIVE ON - I MISS YOU SIS, AND I LOVE YOU AND FOR THAT REASON

I AM NOT GOING TO HOLD MYSELF BACK FROM DOING WHAT YOU NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO DO!

P.s. You were not lying about JayT being one cool ass dude.. don't you know he is my bestfriend now? You made us stuck together! We get things about eachother that nobody does, or only you would! & I have not given up on him.. I have as much faith in him as you would. He is one the one that made me realize my strength is from YOU . Love you Fel.